After reading the first part of this recap, you must be thinking, “Well, this is horrible, but it can’t get much worse…
So we come back from commercial break to this:
See, the crew only had $90,000. It’s not like they could a build a maze with the prize at the end OR DO I SERIOUSLY HAVE TO DO THEIR HOMEWORK FOR THEM? They don’t have to build a maze like something out of Legends of the Hidden Temple for it to still be fun and challenging, but they could have at least tried to spend more than the minimal effort they put into this.
Max wins again, and you know what he gets?
It’s at this point in the pilot where you can see that everyone is beginning to run out of fucks to give, especially Brad. He notes how PQH found the mazes at a truck stop and just made them really big, and I totally believe it. I mean take one look at this and tell me he’s lying:
We are also introduced to Colonel Kink (and by introduced I mean you learn his name in the credits), and he’s shouting random German for a minute before disappearing until the end of the show to shout some more random German. He’s literally on screen for about 1% of the show and has more lines than the General, who’s on screen for the rest of the 99%. Anyway, it’s time to learn about our contestants halfway through the show! We learn that John is in sales, and that he tells a story about how he went to an opera to get John de Lancie’s autograph on his tenth anniversary. Max says that he nearly drowned in a bathroom in Ireland:
We were staying at a hotel at the time…and I just went to the bathroom and the door was locked, but I didn’t know this while I put the tub on, and I tried to turn the water off and the water wasn’t turning off either. So I almost drowned in this bathroom I was locked in.
You know what, I’m not going to give this kid a hard time about this, seeing as Brad is giving Max a hard time about his low score.
Brad: Oh, one more thing, if I said the line, “Push the button, Max,” would you know what I was referencing?
Max: *presses button*
Max: Oh, is this a question? *ponders*
Brad: D’uh-uh-uhhh. We’re not going to take away any points away from you. You’re already at thirty. He’s got 200. I just had to know if you knew some sweet Great Race trivia.
Max has been pressing the button, but since John presses his button midway through the questions (and for some reason Brad finishes most of the questions anyway instead of letting John squirm), Max rarely gets a chance to answer. We can all see the writing on the (unfinished) wall: Max is going to lose, and we still have 14 minutes of bullshit to slog through.
The 90’s questions start and Max hits the button early (can’t imagine why) and Brad admonishes him for a minute before letting Max answer the question. The answer for this question is Are You Afraid of the Dark? but both Max and Brad think it’s Alone in the Dark so Max gets points. Thankfully, not everyone on this show is completely incompetent and they make the correction later on. The show drags on and Brad starts doing my job for me by pointing out the flaws in the game show.
“That was a lot of words for ‘Who’s the lead singer of Queen?”
“That’s exactly what [Bill Cosby]’s known for now, too! Kids say the darndest things! Look, we made these questions several months ago.”
We get to the box “”””””challenge”””””” and Brad sounds about as enthusiastic as a kid being surprised at school with a pop quiz. Max loses, again, and must face what’s in the box. So what’s in the box?
Answer every question like Rita from the Power Rangers.
Brad: You ready for some more 90’s questions?
Jiminy Cricket I’m 22 minutes in a 31 minute video MAKE IT STOP. MAKE IT END–
Brad: In The Nightmare Before Christmas, who do Lock, Shock, and Barrel mistakenly kidnap first?
Max: The Easter Bunny.
Brad: It’s the Easter Bunny. It’s how I ended up with Miss Stockholm. Thought I was kidnapping the Easter Bunny.
Brad: The 1996 Summer Olympic Bombing occurred in what U.S. city?
I would like to note that Brad inserted a very fake laugh as he was reading this question, and suddenly it hit me. Whoever added these really weird questions about terrorists and bombings did so because they thought it was funny. It’s apparently funny to mix jarring questions about national tragedies because “ho ho! It’s so out of place and dark that it’s hilarious!”
It is a last-ditch effort at dark humor that falls flat on its delicate candy ass, just like the rest of this fucking show.
Another horn blows and Brad (while looking SO tired of this shit) makes the Alone in the Dark correction but doesn’t take points away from Max because he’s so far behind John. Brad tells the General to go and shoot Max. At least Max is starting to play the part of “oh no gunna die,” but John’s just all “see ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya.”
Brad makes more unfunny jokes about cleavage and announces that John will go against the Nostalgia Critic. We have one more commercial break and then see Brad with John and…and John looks so done, guys. Brad does get one last jab at John before the final round with Nostalgia Critic, tho.
Brad: John, are you ready to face off against the final boss–
John: I am–
Brad: –the Nostalgia Critic?
John: I am most ready.
Brad: I could tell, you cut off my sentence there.
The Nostalgia Critic comes out and whines that John’s not dead, though you might have to crank up the volume on your computer considering that NC has no mic. Brad and NC make unfunny chit-chat about killing John. John continues to not give a shit. We then learn what the only fucking prize in this “prize filled wonderland” is given to the winner. Oh man, guys. It’s great. It’s so fucking great. Make sure you write your will and finalize funeral plans because this prize is going to knock. you. dead.
Are you ready?
Are you ready ready?
The prize is…….(drumroll, please)
ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS!
Oh, but it gets better. See, if John loses, then that hundred dollars rolls into the next episode, the future contestants could win two hundred dollars, and it keeps adding and adding until someone wins it. To quote Brad here:
“If it keeps going someone could win a million dollars on this thing.”
EXCEPT NOT REALLY. If you haven’t figured out that this game is rigged yet, you will soon. We FINALLY get to the last fucking challenge of this shit fest. Brad reads a couple of lyrics from Disney love songs and instead of buzzing in like before, Brad shoves his mic in the face of either NC or John. John gets Megara’s song from Hercules, but he thinks it’s from Mulan. Brad points the mic to NC.
Brad: “Love is an open door/Life can be so much more”
NC: *hammy blank face* Mulan?
Nostalgia Critic/Doug Walker created this show. He knows all the answers, but when Brad gives him a question, he makes this face like he’s constipated from eating too much ham: And he answers just enough questions correctly so that he’s only one ahead of the other contestant. This is why that million dollars will not be a guarantee: no one is going to win it. It wouldn’t surprise me at this point if they cancel the show to make sure that no one wins it. No one even gets a consolation prize. We all just fucking lose. John loses, and his “I’m so done with this bullshit” face mirrors my own. Nostalgia Critic is crowned and celebrates not having to spend money on prizes. You would think that this show would be over, but we’re not done screwing that knife in my back yet. CA must have figured that I would find Miss Stockholm’s character sexist, so they had another meeting after choosing the theme of the show and said, “Y’know, we haven’t ruffled the feathers of the Owl enough. We need to really piss her off.” They decided to add a bonus scene after the stinger with Brad visiting Miss Stockholm in the dungeon.
Miss Stockholm: Well, as a strong female character I really shouldn’t like this but I can’t get over these cuffs! So soft!
GOOD JOB OF OTHERING YOUR ONLY WOMAN CHARACTER FURTHER BY HAVING HER RECOGNIZE THAT SHE IS A FAILED PARODY OF A CHARACTER TROPE. YOU GUYS ALL DESERVE BONUSES–oh wait, you already gave yourself a $100 bonus, never mind. Brad and Miss Stockholm taste the wall because Brad says it’s cotton candy, but nope, it’s asbestos!
Brad: We’re all gonna die!
Miss Stockholm: Can’t wait!
There is no heart in this show. There is no love. There is no soul. There is no fun. There is only pain. But you want to know what’s really funny? CA planned making 40 episodes of this, but spent $47,767.67 by the time they finally released this turd. They’re also planning on starting the comic book-based show (52 episodes) and EVENTUALLY the video game show (40 episodes). I… I just…