What Demisexuality Means To Me

Hello all, I’m going to share with you an epiphany I had today about my sexuality that I’ve been needing for a long while. Bear with me, it gets a little TMI.

You ever put two puzzle pieces together that look like they fit and kind of fit but it’s not until you’re 3/4 of the way done with the puzzle that you find the correct puzzle pieces that actually fit? That is me trying to understand my own sexuality.

For years I’ve identified as hetero because a) for a while, that was the only definition I knew and b) when I learned more about LGBT+, heterosexuality was still the closest definition for my amorphous blob that is my sexuality. I never felt quite comfortable with this label for myself, though.

So every June, with Pride festivities going on, my meandering thoughts would eventually circle back to my own sexuality and testing different labels. Asexual? I still had sexual feelings and urges, even if they were far and few between. Bisexual? I know now that you don’t have to be 50/50 when it comes to who you’re sexually attractive to, but I didn’t feel strongly enough about the label to carry it. Hetero-flexible? Closer, but not quite.

Pictured: Me, every June

It wasn’t until I read this stupidly good Reylo fanfic that had a “demisexual” tag that I decided to look it up. I’ve read the term before somewhere on the good old interwebs but never bothered looking it up on demisexuality.org and I found the right puzzle piece that had been missing its partner for far too long. I’m not going to go into all the personal details into why it fits me so well, but I am going to tell you about the sense of relief that I immediately felt.

I do not like to touch or be touched, have been since I was a kid. Like everything else, this not liking to be touched got worse since I was a teenager, since now we’re adding sex to the touching equation. Anxiety abounds in college, transforming an aversion of touch into really bad fears and pressures I didn’t realize I had until I tried my hand at dating a couple of times. I cut both short out of personal fear of engaging in something I really wasn’t ready for, but felt I should be ready for because I’m in my twenties.  I cut myself off from dating entirely for several years now because I don’t want to waste anyone’s time and energy, and I don’t want to bulldoze feelings because I couldn’t figure mine out.

So the great things about understanding that I’m demisexual?

  1. I know what my boundaries are
  2. I know how far to push those boundaries
  3. I know that sensuality is not the same thing as sexuality
  4. (most importantly) I’m not going to force myself to feel something I don’t genuinely feel, and now feel more confident in my personal choices

Again, I understand a lot of this post is very broad brush strokes because I don’t want to be too TMI about it. I just wanted to put something in this space to say that it’s okay if it takes you a while to figure out who you are and why you like or don’t like who you do or don’t like. If labels at the moment don’t describe who you are, know that language is fluid and evolving, and eventually you’ll find the words that fit you.

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